Make up, new boy and graduation!

So first things first, I'm thinking about making my YouTube channel into a make-up channel. Tutorials mostly. I might do some reviews. I'm not sure yet though. I think I wanna gear the tutorials towards people who use drug store make up. I only own ONE MAC product and its one of the Heatherette trios. Everything else came in a couple big kits from Wal*Mart. Well, except one eyeshadow. That eyeshadow came from Forever Glamous cosmetics...I think. But anyways! Am I even good enough?






I think I found the man of my dreams. His name is Dave Mason...he is the most perfect guy I have EVER met. He treats me like I actually matter. I love him with all of my heart. I'm GLAD me and Shawn are done. If it wasnt for Shaw dumping me I would have never found the man of my dreams. Dave, I love you so fucking much. I want to spend the rest of my days with you baby love.



I FINALLY GRADUATED!!! I'll post pictures...maybe. I dont know yet. I didnt like the way I looked at graduation. Our gowns were...WHITE. Yeah, hideous, I know. It feels so good to finally be out of High School. Finding a job is so fucking hard though. :[ I'll write more later. No quote today. Sorry.

Broken hearts and Memories

Ok on May 19th Jimmy has been dead two years. I can’t believe I’ve made it two years without him in my life. I miss him so much lately and I don’t know why. I think the reason why I miss him so much is because I graduate in June. I want him so badly to be on the other side of that stage at graduation. That would be a dream come true for me. All he ever wanted for me was to graduate, and I am. I’m going to make him so proud.

Jimmy, if you can see this – I love you baby…more than anything in this entire world. I hope you’re proud. I really do. You are the love of my life. I wish you were here, but your not. But I know you’re watching down on me and making sure that I’m ok. Thank you for coming into my life and making an impact on it. I love you my darling; so much.

On another note…Shawn dumped me THROUGH A MYSPACE MESSAGE! What. The. Fuck. So I message him back and he basically tells me he purposely let me fall for him so he could use me. He also told me that I’m just a sex toy to him. Thank you very much you fat ass piece of shit. I’m so pissed; hurt and heart broken right now I don’t even know what to do. I haven’t even cried yet…that’s how hurt I am. I don’t know what to do…and that’s scary. I loved…er, love him SO much. Someone tell me what to do.

Sorry this is so short. I’m exhausted.

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

About 2 months later...

So basically, the last time I updated this it was about two months ago. Damn! A lot has been going on over the past few months….and I mean, A LOT. So I should probably get started on updating everyone, shouldn’t I? Haha.

To start things off – April 3rd (I THINK…it was around there) SHAWN CAME HOME!!!! Mmmm, it was so good to finally see him and be in his arms. I did NOT want to let go of him when I hugged him for the first time. I spent like the whole day getting ready and shit. My mom said I’m pathetic because I took all day to get ready to just sit in my room and watch Wrestlemania. It was worth it. I actually don’t really remember much from Wrestlemania. I, Shawn and his best friend Dan watched it. Shawn and I could NOT take our eyes off each other. It was amazing. I love him so much.

Then a little bit ago I and Shawn hit a rough patch. We got into a fight and weren’t really together for like a week or two. Might have just been a week. It felt like an eternity. I really thought I had lost him forever. It hurt so badly. The last things he said to me were “I think we need to take a break…” and when I asked how long he said “a decade, fucking longer maybe,” and then he signed offline. It was scary. But, we’re back together now and doing great for the most part. The hardest part right now is me being so stressed out and just wanting to be with him all the time but I can’t.

Hmmm, besides that – I’ve been focusing a lot on school lately. My goal was the graduate with all A’s and B’s…but that’s really not going to happen now. I have to at the very least get my grade in British and World Lit. up to an 85% and KEEP it there or higher. My goal is to get it to a 90% or higher so hopefully I won’t have to take the final exam. Final’s scare me. On top of that I now have this bullshit PSSA class that I have to take and I have a quiz EVERY week until I show proficient in math or I don’t graduate…WTF?! It really scares me that I might not graduate. I feel so stupid right now.

BUT! I have some VERY, VERY GOOD news. You ready for this one? –

I. GOT. MARILYN. MANSON. TICKETS!!!

Well, I got tickets for the Rockstar Mayhem Fest. Which Marilyn Manson and Slayer are headlining. It is August 1st. I CAN NOT wait until then. The concert is going to be so much fun. Fuck. I get goose bumps just thinking about it! I’ve met Jerry Only…if I meet or even see Manson live my life will be almost complete. The only other person I want to meet before I die is Trent Reznor…Well, and Alexi from Children of Bodom but that’s a different story for another day. I’m going to stop rambling now.

I have to get back to my homework and such things. :[ Homework really sucks. Anyone out there good in English and Math? I could really use the help!

Today’s quote is from Marilyn Manson’s song “Heart Shaped Glasses”

“She said: ‘Kiss me it’ll heal, but it won’t forget…’”

Lots of random happenings...

So I’ve definitely neglected this blog a lot lately. I’ve been so busy with school and trying to keep my grades up. My grades right now are:

Fine Art: 80.20%
Personal Finance: 82.86%
American Literature: 95.42%
British Literature: 72.15%
Physical Education: 100%
Career Planning: 91.74%
Environmental Science: 90%

So yeah, there are a few grades I need to bring up. I have to pull an 80% or higher in American and British Literature in order to pass because my grades in those classes for the first semester were around 40%. Now that Ashley and I aren’t friends I have a lot more time to focus on school work and friends who actually care about me. I know me and Ashley always fight and then make up but this time it’s for good. I’m sick of her fucking drama and her always bringing me down. I’m so proud of myself. I finally stood up for myself and told Ashley exactly how I feel. It’s over and done with. I feel amazing.

Anyways, I finally told my parents I’m having sex. Well, I told my mom and then she told my dad. A HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can go out and buy condoms and not have to worry about anything…other than my dad ragging on me and asking if I have good sex or bad sex. Ok, I’ll still have to worry about my mother thinking I’m having sex to much if I go through condoms to fast. But I’d rather be safe than sorry. I have an appointment sometime next month or something to get birth control too. The only thing I’m worried about with that is gaining weight. It scares me because I’m already fat. Ya know? My mom also thinks its just a free pass for me to fuck whoever I want, when I want…WTF?

[[^^Totally not sure if I already told you that and I’m way too tired to go look!]]

Well, other than that I got arrested last week. Yeah, I’m a motherfucking GENIUS! :[ I went out with a few friends and ended up getting arrested for underage drinking. Fucking 12:30am…and my mom gets a call from the cops 20 miles away from home saying her daughter is in their custody. I thought I was going to have a bloody heart attack. But yeah. I have court on Monday at like 8:30am…I’m super nervous. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I hope the fine isn’t as big as I think its going to be. I know for a fact my license is GONE for 3 months once I get it. :[ This really sucks…I’ll post updates after court.

So prom is in about two months. Don’t know the exact date yet. But yeah, I don’t know what to do. I want to go with Shawn more than anything. He would be my perfect date. I think he’s just afraid I wont have fun. And he doesn’t like to dress up. He wants to wear jeans and a nice shirt or something. But like, I don’t think they’ll let him in wearing that. I don’t know. I really REALLY want to go with him. I would have fun just sitting there holding his hand and talking to him. Maybe giving him little kisses randomly too. ;] So I don’t know. I fall for Shawn more and more each day and him going to prom with me would make prom perfect. He kind of gives me butterflies inside. His voice gives me goose bumps and he makes me fall for him more and more everytime I talk to him. I love him so much and I can’t wait for him to come home.

Nothing more to really update on. I’ve neglected this a lot lately. Just got so much going on. Hopefully things will be back to normal soon and I’ll be able to update this more often. So, this is living out Shawn’s wish. He’s wanted me to update this for awhile now. Haha. So this is for you baby! Love youu. <3

There is two quotes for today because I liked them both…hahaha.

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

"Better living through chemistry."

Cruisin' on hope

So do you ever get the gut feeling that you and someone you thought you were close with are drifting apart? Well I got that feeling...with two people actually. Lately, I don’t know, it just don’t seem like Shawn wants to talk to me; ever. He's always so quiet. I mean, hes naturally quiet but lately it's like I call and all he does is sit there. He won’t say anything unless I say something. To be quite honest, I feel like he doesn’t even want to come home anymore. Yes, I know I ask him a lot about when he's coming home. But do I honestly put that much pressure on him? :\ I don’t know what to do. Things used to be so awesome. He made me smile constantly and lately, all that happens is me getting extremely frustrated and wanting to hang up on him. Help me. Please?

Second on the list of drifting apart; me and Zack have been fighting CONSTANTLY. Literally, all the time. There hasn’t been a day in the past week where he and I haven't fought. WTF?! It's like everyone that I love and am close to are pushing me away. Or I'm pushing them away? I don’t fucking know. All I know is...it really hurts.

Ashley and I haven't even been the same lately. I don’t know why. Nothing is the same anymore. I know I'm growing up and things change, you don’t need to tell me that bullshit. Things shouldn't be changing THIS much. I mean, COME ON MAN! Shit fuck dude.

The only constant in my life right now seems to be Sharpie. Well, Ashley is a pretty good constant too but, we seem to be moving apart as well. Fuckin’ A, I don’t know anymore dude. I’m going to get out of here ASAP and be with Sharpie down in Hot Springs…hopefully. Anyone else want to tell me I won’t be able to move out on my own. That I’m not strong enough? Or any of that other fucking bullshit. Let me spell it out for you if you haven’t gotten the hint already.

I. AM. SICK. OF. THIS. MOTHER. FUCKING. BULLSHIT. SHIT. FUCK.

And another thing!!! When in the blue hell did people from my past start finding me again?!?! I’m not saying this to be mean, but, what the hell? Derrick texted me today and we hung out tonight for the first time in a long time. A really…really long time. It was really kind of awkward at first. I got in the car and he immediately hugged me. It felt kind of weird to be hugging him again and all that shit. I don’t know…everything has been weird lately. Ya know?

Diets…diets…and more diets! I talked to Dave, a friend of me and Ashley’s the other night and he helped me figure things out for my diet. He said I need to be eating 3,000 calories OR LESS a day and I need to start walking around town, then jogging…then finally, running around town. This is going to be really hard; but I have to do it. Eh? I’m really out of shape and I need to lose A LOT of weight. I WILL do this. No matter what anyone says, I WILL lose weight and look good for summer. Then hopefully I’ll lose enough weight that I’ll be confident with myself for fall to see Sharpie. Though, he thinks I’m beautiful…I just think he’s blind! :[ He insists that I’m perfect, and so does Zack. I don’t see why though. Oh well I guess.

Nothing else to really update about. Yes I realize this was a completely bitchy, rant blog. I DON’T CARE. :] Nope, not one bit!




“The day you slipped away, was the day I found it won’t be the same”

Steelers or Cardinals?[WARNING: Lots of swearing]

So today's the Superbowl....I should probably be more excited. Right? I would have been more excited if my so called best friend for life hadn't blown me off...AGAIN. How fucking hard is it to just say "No, Kay, I dont think I can come down to your house and watch the game. Sorry." But noooo! He says "Yeah, I'll be down. Just give me a call in the morning." FUCK....YOU. I am so sick of getting blown off and used. I'm seriously fucking irritated, annoyed, pissed off, frustrated and some more words I dont feel like typing out right this moment.

I don't know if there will be anything happy and cheerful in this blog so if I'm bringing your mood down...KEEP MOVING! :] Kthanx, bye. [oh yes, I did write 'KTHANX, BYE' like all the little scene kids write]

Anyways! I have to choose between MARILYN MANSON on August 1st[or 2nd...someone tell me which one it is please!] and going to a wedding with Maddy on August 15th. How do I choose? I wanna see Maddy SO FUCKING BAD. But Marilyn Manson is...well, AMAZING. Ya know? Aside from meeting Jerry Only last October for my birthday, my other dream is to be FRONT ROW at a Marilyn Manson concert and possible touch his hand, leg...anything. Just so I can say that I touched Marilyn Manson. Meeting him though, would be my ultimate dream. To be able to stand and talk to the man would be insane. I dont know what I would say. He's so intelligent and well...I'm not. Hahaha. [I just sound like I'm intelligent ;] ] I dont know, I'll figure out what I'm gonna do about all this at a later date.

Diet update! --- I've been eating ok this past week or so. I havnt really worked out though. I'm not a work out type person so I dont normally work out. Hopefully sometime this week I'll be getting my work out tape. I want a dance one. I dont like push-ups and sit-ups..I hate that shit. I really, seriously, want a treadmill but their to expensive. :[ I would use that shit everyday. I love treadmills. BUT, I cant run out on the road because of my bad knee. I think thats why I want one so bad. I could run 4-5 miles in one day if I had a treadmill. I'd never get off the bloody thing. Haha.

Not really much else to update on. It's about 5:30pm as I'm typing this. I'm about to go watch the Superbowl ALONE. :[ I was originally not gunna watch it because I'm alone but Sharpie wants me to keep him updated so I guess I'll be a good friend and keep him updated on the game while he's at work. I love Sharpie...so, I guess I'll torture myself for however long it goes tonight. Haha. I dont usually pay attention to the game, just the score. But I gotta actually sit and watch it now. Save me? Please? Lol.

So! More updates to come...on well, EVERYTHING. :]

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

Friends are my life

So this post is a little different. In this one I wanna basically post pictures of my main friends and explain why their important to me. :] My friends are the most important thing to me in this entire world. These people aren’t in any specific order, I’m just putting them in boys and then girls. It’s just easier that way.

John! He's so awesome. I went to karate with him. I've known him for like 8 years. Without him I would probably be dead. He's helped me through so much in my life. I dont know what I would do without him. He's so goofy and amazing. I love you John!

Papa Sin!!! For the LONGEST time I have the BIGGEST crush on this man. It wasn't even funny. I was so in love with him. But then he got together with this girl Keriba and well, he became more of a big brother/father like kinda person to me. I call him my Papa Sin. He's more of a father to me than my own dad is. His son is about my age too...which is weird. I always wonder what his son thinks about his dad being friends with someone his age. Ya know? But I love him with all of my heart. He's the biggest rock that holds me together at times. I love you so much Sin!

Tom!! I love this kid. I havnt known him that long but he is the COOLEST person you will EVER meet. He needs to come home NOW! I only hung out with him twice and then he LEAVES town. :[ It fucking sucks soooo bad. I really liked this guy too. Other than Shawn, hes the greatest guy I know. Love you man!

Sharpie!! :] Craziest guy I know. Well, aside from Tom. Sharpie lives down in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Seen him in person once and...DAMN is he awesome. We chilled and shit and then I had to go home. It sucked. :[ Anyways, he's so sweet and he always knows how to make me laugh. I love you Sharpie!

And now...presenting....MY BESTEST!

This would be my ASHIE BABIE. I love this girl more than anything in this whole fucking world. Yeah, we fight a lot but in the end, I still get to cuddle up with her at night and call her my bestest. I love her the mostest hostess. We're gunna move away together and start a whole new fucking life. Away from all these fucking HICKS.

So now you know who holds me together in this world. If I forgot anyone, I'm sorry. I tried to cut it down so it wasnt so fucking huge. :] I love all of my friends equally. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm all about my friends. Their my fucking life. I would do anything for these people. I may not have a lot of friends...but the ones I have are good enough for me.

"Friendship doesn't count the miles. It's measured by the heart."