Cruisin' on hope

So do you ever get the gut feeling that you and someone you thought you were close with are drifting apart? Well I got that feeling...with two people actually. Lately, I don’t know, it just don’t seem like Shawn wants to talk to me; ever. He's always so quiet. I mean, hes naturally quiet but lately it's like I call and all he does is sit there. He won’t say anything unless I say something. To be quite honest, I feel like he doesn’t even want to come home anymore. Yes, I know I ask him a lot about when he's coming home. But do I honestly put that much pressure on him? :\ I don’t know what to do. Things used to be so awesome. He made me smile constantly and lately, all that happens is me getting extremely frustrated and wanting to hang up on him. Help me. Please?

Second on the list of drifting apart; me and Zack have been fighting CONSTANTLY. Literally, all the time. There hasn’t been a day in the past week where he and I haven't fought. WTF?! It's like everyone that I love and am close to are pushing me away. Or I'm pushing them away? I don’t fucking know. All I know is...it really hurts.

Ashley and I haven't even been the same lately. I don’t know why. Nothing is the same anymore. I know I'm growing up and things change, you don’t need to tell me that bullshit. Things shouldn't be changing THIS much. I mean, COME ON MAN! Shit fuck dude.

The only constant in my life right now seems to be Sharpie. Well, Ashley is a pretty good constant too but, we seem to be moving apart as well. Fuckin’ A, I don’t know anymore dude. I’m going to get out of here ASAP and be with Sharpie down in Hot Springs…hopefully. Anyone else want to tell me I won’t be able to move out on my own. That I’m not strong enough? Or any of that other fucking bullshit. Let me spell it out for you if you haven’t gotten the hint already.

I. AM. SICK. OF. THIS. MOTHER. FUCKING. BULLSHIT. SHIT. FUCK.

And another thing!!! When in the blue hell did people from my past start finding me again?!?! I’m not saying this to be mean, but, what the hell? Derrick texted me today and we hung out tonight for the first time in a long time. A really…really long time. It was really kind of awkward at first. I got in the car and he immediately hugged me. It felt kind of weird to be hugging him again and all that shit. I don’t know…everything has been weird lately. Ya know?

Diets…diets…and more diets! I talked to Dave, a friend of me and Ashley’s the other night and he helped me figure things out for my diet. He said I need to be eating 3,000 calories OR LESS a day and I need to start walking around town, then jogging…then finally, running around town. This is going to be really hard; but I have to do it. Eh? I’m really out of shape and I need to lose A LOT of weight. I WILL do this. No matter what anyone says, I WILL lose weight and look good for summer. Then hopefully I’ll lose enough weight that I’ll be confident with myself for fall to see Sharpie. Though, he thinks I’m beautiful…I just think he’s blind! :[ He insists that I’m perfect, and so does Zack. I don’t see why though. Oh well I guess.

Nothing else to really update about. Yes I realize this was a completely bitchy, rant blog. I DON’T CARE. :] Nope, not one bit!




“The day you slipped away, was the day I found it won’t be the same”