Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
So finding an apartment up in Kent is fucking DIFFICULT! Jesus...I've looked up at least...keyword: at least 20 places. The one place we went to look at this morning was terrible. Studio apartments were about the size of a motel room...a shitty motel room. And that would be fine...for one person. But for me and Dave?? ....NO. So right now I have a list of about 6 different places we are going to drive around to and see if they have any openings. I really hope we can find a place thats like $375 a month at most so we wont be so short on cash. That would suck. I desperately want to move out and live with the love of my life but it feels like the tables are against me this time. Usually I have good luck with things like this but I dont right now.
He seems so happy up here at Kent. Playing pool....showing me around...telling me stories. Since hes all happy I feel all giddy and fuzzy inside. I love it when he smiles. His smile and his laugh brighten my whole day.
The campus is HUGE. Good god. Seriously...its un-natural. It's so pretty though. They have BLACK FUCKING SQUIRRELS! I. WANT. ONE. NAO! kthnxbai. :D
I'll post a REAL update later since we have to get going soon. :]
Sunday, August 2, 2009
This is an AWESOME chance to win a cool prize. Have fun!!
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I think I found the man of my dreams. His name is Dave Mason...he is the most perfect guy I have EVER met. He treats me like I actually matter. I love him with all of my heart. I'm GLAD me and Shawn are done. If it wasnt for Shaw dumping me I would have never found the man of my dreams. Dave, I love you so fucking much. I want to spend the rest of my days with you baby love.
I FINALLY GRADUATED!!! I'll post pictures...maybe. I dont know yet. I didnt like the way I looked at graduation. Our gowns were...WHITE. Yeah, hideous, I know. It feels so good to finally be out of High School. Finding a job is so fucking hard though. :[ I'll write more later. No quote today. Sorry.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Ok on May 19th Jimmy has been dead two years. I can’t believe I’ve made it two years without him in my life. I miss him so much lately and I don’t know why. I think the reason why I miss him so much is because I graduate in June. I want him so badly to be on the other side of that stage at graduation. That would be a dream come true for me. All he ever wanted for me was to graduate, and I am. I’m going to make him so proud.
Jimmy, if you can see this – I love you baby…more than anything in this entire world. I hope you’re proud. I really do. You are the love of my life. I wish you were here, but your not. But I know you’re watching down on me and making sure that I’m ok. Thank you for coming into my life and making an impact on it. I love you my darling; so much.
On another note…Shawn dumped me THROUGH A MYSPACE MESSAGE! What. The. Fuck. So I message him back and he basically tells me he purposely let me fall for him so he could use me. He also told me that I’m just a sex toy to him. Thank you very much you fat ass piece of shit. I’m so pissed; hurt and heart broken right now I don’t even know what to do. I haven’t even cried yet…that’s how hurt I am. I don’t know what to do…and that’s scary. I loved…er, love him SO much. Someone tell me what to do.
Sorry this is so short. I’m exhausted.
"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
To start things off – April 3rd (I THINK…it was around there) SHAWN CAME HOME!!!! Mmmm, it was so good to finally see him and be in his arms. I did NOT want to let go of him when I hugged him for the first time. I spent like the whole day getting ready and shit. My mom said I’m pathetic because I took all day to get ready to just sit in my room and watch Wrestlemania. It was worth it. I actually don’t really remember much from Wrestlemania. I, Shawn and his best friend Dan watched it. Shawn and I could NOT take our eyes off each other. It was amazing. I love him so much.
Then a little bit ago I and Shawn hit a rough patch. We got into a fight and weren’t really together for like a week or two. Might have just been a week. It felt like an eternity. I really thought I had lost him forever. It hurt so badly. The last things he said to me were “I think we need to take a break…” and when I asked how long he said “a decade, fucking longer maybe,” and then he signed offline. It was scary. But, we’re back together now and doing great for the most part. The hardest part right now is me being so stressed out and just wanting to be with him all the time but I can’t.
Hmmm, besides that – I’ve been focusing a lot on school lately. My goal was the graduate with all A’s and B’s…but that’s really not going to happen now. I have to at the very least get my grade in British and World Lit. up to an 85% and KEEP it there or higher. My goal is to get it to a 90% or higher so hopefully I won’t have to take the final exam. Final’s scare me. On top of that I now have this bullshit PSSA class that I have to take and I have a quiz EVERY week until I show proficient in math or I don’t graduate…WTF?! It really scares me that I might not graduate. I feel so stupid right now.
BUT! I have some VERY, VERY GOOD news. You ready for this one? –
I. GOT. MARILYN. MANSON. TICKETS!!!
Well, I got tickets for the Rockstar Mayhem Fest. Which Marilyn Manson and Slayer are headlining. It is August 1st. I CAN NOT wait until then. The concert is going to be so much fun. Fuck. I get goose bumps just thinking about it! I’ve met Jerry Only…if I meet or even see Manson live my life will be almost complete. The only other person I want to meet before I die is Trent Reznor…Well, and Alexi from Children of Bodom but that’s a different story for another day. I’m going to stop rambling now.
I have to get back to my homework and such things. :[ Homework really sucks. Anyone out there good in English and Math? I could really use the help!
Today’s quote is from Marilyn Manson’s song “Heart Shaped Glasses”
“She said: ‘Kiss me it’ll heal, but it won’t forget…’”
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Fine Art: 80.20%
Personal Finance: 82.86%
American Literature: 95.42%
British Literature: 72.15%
Physical Education: 100%
Career Planning: 91.74%
Environmental Science: 90%
So yeah, there are a few grades I need to bring up. I have to pull an 80% or higher in American and British Literature in order to pass because my grades in those classes for the first semester were around 40%. Now that Ashley and I aren’t friends I have a lot more time to focus on school work and friends who actually care about me. I know me and Ashley always fight and then make up but this time it’s for good. I’m sick of her fucking drama and her always bringing me down. I’m so proud of myself. I finally stood up for myself and told Ashley exactly how I feel. It’s over and done with. I feel amazing.
Anyways, I finally told my parents I’m having sex. Well, I told my mom and then she told my dad. A HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can go out and buy condoms and not have to worry about anything…other than my dad ragging on me and asking if I have good sex or bad sex. Ok, I’ll still have to worry about my mother thinking I’m having sex to much if I go through condoms to fast. But I’d rather be safe than sorry. I have an appointment sometime next month or something to get birth control too. The only thing I’m worried about with that is gaining weight. It scares me because I’m already fat. Ya know? My mom also thinks its just a free pass for me to fuck whoever I want, when I want…WTF?
[[^^Totally not sure if I already told you that and I’m way too tired to go look!]]
Well, other than that I got arrested last week. Yeah, I’m a motherfucking GENIUS! :[ I went out with a few friends and ended up getting arrested for underage drinking. Fucking 12:30am…and my mom gets a call from the cops 20 miles away from home saying her daughter is in their custody. I thought I was going to have a bloody heart attack. But yeah. I have court on Monday at like 8:30am…I’m super nervous. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I hope the fine isn’t as big as I think its going to be. I know for a fact my license is GONE for 3 months once I get it. :[ This really sucks…I’ll post updates after court.
So prom is in about two months. Don’t know the exact date yet. But yeah, I don’t know what to do. I want to go with Shawn more than anything. He would be my perfect date. I think he’s just afraid I wont have fun. And he doesn’t like to dress up. He wants to wear jeans and a nice shirt or something. But like, I don’t think they’ll let him in wearing that. I don’t know. I really REALLY want to go with him. I would have fun just sitting there holding his hand and talking to him. Maybe giving him little kisses randomly too. ;] So I don’t know. I fall for Shawn more and more each day and him going to prom with me would make prom perfect. He kind of gives me butterflies inside. His voice gives me goose bumps and he makes me fall for him more and more everytime I talk to him. I love him so much and I can’t wait for him to come home.
Nothing more to really update on. I’ve neglected this a lot lately. Just got so much going on. Hopefully things will be back to normal soon and I’ll be able to update this more often. So, this is living out Shawn’s wish. He’s wanted me to update this for awhile now. Haha. So this is for you baby! Love youu. <3
There is two quotes for today because I liked them both…hahaha.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
So do you ever get the gut feeling that you and someone you thought you were close with are drifting apart? Well I got that feeling...with two people actually. Lately, I don’t know, it just don’t seem like Shawn wants to talk to me; ever. He's always so quiet. I mean, hes naturally quiet but lately it's like I call and all he does is sit there. He won’t say anything unless I say something. To be quite honest, I feel like he doesn’t even want to come home anymore. Yes, I know I ask him a lot about when he's coming home. But do I honestly put that much pressure on him? :\ I don’t know what to do. Things used to be so awesome. He made me smile constantly and lately, all that happens is me getting extremely frustrated and wanting to hang up on him. Help me. Please?
Second on the list of drifting apart; me and Zack have been fighting CONSTANTLY. Literally, all the time. There hasn’t been a day in the past week where he and I haven't fought. WTF?! It's like everyone that I love and am close to are pushing me away. Or I'm pushing them away? I don’t fucking know. All I know is...it really hurts.
Ashley and I haven't even been the same lately. I don’t know why. Nothing is the same anymore. I know I'm growing up and things change, you don’t need to tell me that bullshit. Things shouldn't be changing THIS much. I mean, COME ON MAN! Shit fuck dude.
The only constant in my life right now seems to be Sharpie. Well, Ashley is a pretty good constant too but, we seem to be moving apart as well. Fuckin’ A, I don’t know anymore dude. I’m going to get out of here ASAP and be with Sharpie down in Hot Springs…hopefully. Anyone else want to tell me I won’t be able to move out on my own. That I’m not strong enough? Or any of that other fucking bullshit. Let me spell it out for you if you haven’t gotten the hint already.
I. AM. SICK. OF. THIS. MOTHER. FUCKING. BULLSHIT. SHIT. FUCK.
And another thing!!! When in the blue hell did people from my past start finding me again?!?! I’m not saying this to be mean, but, what the hell? Derrick texted me today and we hung out tonight for the first time in a long time. A really…really long time. It was really kind of awkward at first. I got in the car and he immediately hugged me. It felt kind of weird to be hugging him again and all that shit. I don’t know…everything has been weird lately. Ya know?
Diets…diets…and more diets! I talked to Dave, a friend of me and Ashley’s the other night and he helped me figure things out for my diet. He said I need to be eating 3,000 calories OR LESS a day and I need to start walking around town, then jogging…then finally, running around town. This is going to be really hard; but I have to do it. Eh? I’m really out of shape and I need to lose A LOT of weight. I WILL do this. No matter what anyone says, I WILL lose weight and look good for summer. Then hopefully I’ll lose enough weight that I’ll be confident with myself for fall to see Sharpie. Though, he thinks I’m beautiful…I just think he’s blind! :[ He insists that I’m perfect, and so does Zack. I don’t see why though. Oh well I guess.
Nothing else to really update about. Yes I realize this was a completely bitchy, rant blog. I DON’T CARE. :] Nope, not one bit!
“The day you slipped away, was the day I found it won’t be the same”
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
No classes for two days?! What? Really?!? Yeah, you heard me right. I have no classes until Wednesday. Today is the last day of the semester. It’s simply used to tie up any loose ends with classes that are only one semester. Tomorrow is the day I’m supposed to make a plan as to how I will organize my work for the second semester. But am I going to do that?? NOPE! I’m going to take it as a free day. :] Hehehe.
I don’t really have much to update on today. I might update again later tonight if something interesting happens. But, I highly doubt anything fun or interesting will happen. I have a pretty basic and boring life.
Oh! Ok wait; I do have another update….
I, as of 10:30 this morning am now on a diet. I WILL lose weight before summer and I WILL make sure I’m sexy as hell for when I go down to Arkansas in November. No, that’s not the only reason I want to lose weight. I’m so tired of hearing people call me fat and I’m so sick of shopping in the PLUS SIZE section. Crazy fact: I used to be a size 12. Yes people, I said it! --- SIZE 12. This was back in 6th grade, but still. Healthy weight for me is like 145-150 and well, I’m not that. Not even close to be honest. All I’m saying right now is I WILL NOT let anyone steer me away from this. A few close friends of mine are saying I’m fine just the way I am…that’s nice that you think that and all but I’m not. I’m over weight…extremely and I’m sick of being this way. I will make my goal. Hopefully by November I will be a size 10/12 or size 12/14. Right now, I’m a size….22/24. YES, I’m fat. NO, I’m not proud of it; and YES, I will change it. If anyone has any tips or diet/exercise routines, LET ME KNOW ASAP PLEASE. :]
This is a short post compared to my other ones. I just don’t have much else to say really. So I’ll leave you with another quote.
“Beauty is about what’s on the inside, not what’s on the outside.”
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Oh and can SOMEONE please tell me why I can only send pictures on my cell phone when I’m sitting in my parents BATHROOM!!! It annoys me immensely. Like, I don’t know what it is with my cell phone but I can only send pictures when I’m in my parents bathroom or when I’m at Ashley’s I can only send them when I’m sitting in her bathroom with the door closed….WTF?! It’s a BlackJack II and it’s supposed to be a smart phone. Well guess what!! It doesn’t seem like no smart phone to me. More like a dumb phone. I don’t know. I like it better than this weird HTC Black Diamond my dad game me that he got from a co-worker. It’s this weird phone from over seas…to fancy for me. Although it does have some pretty rad fucking games. There’s one game on it that’s pretty sweet. It’s called Teeter…I think. Ha. Basically, you move the actually phone to move this ball on the screen and maneuver it around holes to try and get it in this green hole. It’s weird. You can feel the ball bounce off the side of the cell phone too….odd, I know. Anyone else weirded out by that?! It freaked me out when I first played it.
SO! Right now I’m on the phone with that guy I talked about from North Carolina. His voice…makes….my…heart…..melt. You have no idea. He’s so fucking amazing. I want him to come home so bad so I can be with him. He would be my one and only reason to stay here in Mercer. Guess I should tell the history about how we met and shit. Basically, I went to school with him in 9th grade; my first year at Mercer. He was soooo sweet. I used to talk to him in the halls sometimes and I would talk to him outside school while waiting for my ride to get there. Anyways, it took him 3 FUCKING YEARS to tell me he liked me. WTF?! We could have been together and dating back then but noooo!! He didn’t have the guts to ask me out. Ha. But he’s all mine when he comes home…I hope. I don’t wanna jinx it so I’m just gunna shut up about him.
Update on moving away to Arkansas…I don’t know now. The more I think about it, the more I wanna go. But the more I talk to Shawn(kid from North Carolina)…the more I wanna stay here. I mean, can I really pick up and move 16 hours away from everything. Away from Shawn, away from Ashley and away from everything basically. I bitch about going home to Rochester but then at the same time, I wanna move even farther away from it. My minds going in a million different directions and I don’t know which way to turn. I guess all I can do is wait and see how things play out. Who knows…Shawn might get home and realize I’m not as amazing as he thought I was. Ya know?
I really don’t know what else to write. As you can see, it’s fucking LATE at night. As I sit here and write this…the clock says 3:39AM. WOW. Insomniac much?!!?! I think so. :] I’m texting like 4 people and talking to this amazing boy, I’m EXHAUSTED yet I don’t wanna go to sleep. Weird, aye?
Quote time? YUP!
“If I have to choose between loving you, and breathing, I would use my last breath to say I LOVE YOU.”
Monday, January 19, 2009
Other than that…nothing has been up lately. Just been focused on school and random bullshit with my bestest Ashley. <3
As of right now, I am contemplating where I will end up when I turn 18. There is no way I will be out of here when I graduate but you can bet I will be GONE when I turn 18. Even if I end up in a shit hole apartment in Mercer. I will work my way up and end in Arkansas with Sharpie, Marcus and Michael; either that or I’ll end up back in good old Roc City. I’ll figure it out when the time comes I guess. For some reason, I think I might end up living with Sharpie in the end.
So now I’m going to put a question out there for everyone – Does anyone know where to get amazing, funky, prom dress in plus sizes that are extremely expensive? Let me know please!! I hated my dress last year and this year…I want the PERFECT dress.
And bloody fucking hell…I was on the phone with Zack, the ex boyfriend I talked about. Well, I told him I loved him when we were on the phone the other day and when he went to say it back he quickly blabbed out ‘you too, bye! *click*’ I mean, WTF?! Later I find out that he didn’t say I love you back because his mom walked down the stairs. His mom is one psycho bitch. If she thinks, even for a moment, that me and him are back together…she’ll shut off his phone, the internet, and every other connection I could possibly have with him. She’ll question both of us and probably throw the bible at me. Her names Deborah and she thinks she’s all fucking high and mighty. BULLSHIT. He’s turning 19 on February 28th. This bitch KNOWS that he depends on her because he can’t save up enough money to move out on his own. He has college bills and car payments to pay first. So in return, she’s a royal fucking BITCH and she will do anything in her high power to keep me and him apart.
“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.”
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
At the end of February (sooo, a month and a half I would estimate), my ex boyfriend and really close friend turns 19. Now, follow along with me here…he’s turning 19 and his mother still controls everything he does. Or, it seems like that anyways. :[ I don’t know, it just bothers me. I haven’t seen him in about 5 years or so. That’s a LONG time. I wanna tell him to just move down here but he can’t. Honestly, I don’t even think she’d let him come visit without her throwing a fit and making him feel guilty about leaving. Sound’s shitty, right? /shrugs Eh, who knows…maybe things will work out.
Other than that, right now I’m procrastinating school work. I’ve got a shit ton of homework and I really, really don’t wanna do it. Haha. When do I ever wanna do homework? The semester ends on the 20th?? Pretty sure it’s the 20th anyways. Who knows. For those of you who would like to keep track of how I’m doing in school, here are my grades.
Fine Art – 72%
American Lit. – 73%
British/World Lit. – 69%
Business Math – 66%
Gym – 85%
Environmental Science – 88%
Digital Photog. and Graphics – 95%
So yeah, not the greatest grades in the world. At least I’m passing everything, right?! Right now I wish I was back in shitty old Mercer, sitting in a cold desk, listening to teachers talk. But nope, I’m at home, in cyber school all because the principal at Mercer is a piece of dog shit! :] I miss sleeping on the bus in the mornings, I miss the kids at school (oh yes, even the ones who used to give me shit about random bullshit). Crazy, isn’t it? The thing I despise the most is the thing I miss.
And now…for a quote!
“Drunken words are sober thoughts.”
Monday, January 12, 2009
SO! Anyways, its 2009...finally, and in about 5 months I graduate from high school. This is epic. I will admit, I'm a tad nervous about graduating. I know, I know...I shouldn’t be nervous, I should be excited. Well, I'm not. Once I graduate, that’s it. I'm off in the real world. Full of working, working, and heh; more working! I have no idea where I'm gunna go or where I'll end up but I know it wont be here in Mercer. Well, ok, I might stay in Mercer. If a certain someone comes home from North Carolina before I graduate...
In other news!! [haha, I sound like a news reporter] I'm looking for a vehicle...specifically a VW BUS!!! If anyone knows where I can find a VW BUS in the Mercer, PA/Pittsburgh, PA area let me know please. It's my dream car. I would be happy with any vehicle but a VW bus is...perfect. I don’t care what color it is or if it’s a camper or kombi, doesn’t matter to me as long as it's a bus. :D Please and thank you! Ha. I've searched everywhere I can think of. HELP! :] :]
And I'll do what I always did when I finished off a blog. I'll leave you with a quote....
"I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm afraid of what’s IN it."